Thursday, 1 December 2011

Tonight I was advised to have a Plan B or Plan C!

I promised myself this blog wouldn't be a scapegoat for my negative emotions and feelings.  I have tried hard to keep it informative of the process but am falling off the wagon tonight!   Bring on the chocolate!!!!  For anybody that knows the starfish story, I can make several connections.  Tonight I am the starfish!  I need to be picked up and thrown back into the ocean!

It is back to the drawing board with my letter for Canada Adopts.  Tonight's feedback seemed worse than that of those high school English teachers!!!   Being single and older and having less chance of appealing to a young, pregnant women is far harder to hear than seeing a C or C- on a paper, although at the time those grades were pretty devestating.  It's all relative I guess!  I appreciate the honesty and feedback to improve my letter but when one is already down, it's very hard to listen to.  Too boot, I need some new photos.  Photos of me with young kids.  The worst photo of me was the one that was liked best.  Go figure!  It was suggested I use photos of me from some time ago - read between the lines on this one!   What good is this when you go meet the young woman.   Anybody got kids they can offer me for a photo shoot on the next sunny day we get here in Vancouver?  A comment was made about my age that I'm not even going to repeat!  I have a couple of photos from school thanks to two parents but the ones I can use, that is where I look any good, are with children whose parents already have media concerns.  I can't seem to win!

Back to the emotions, if you read many blogs from waiting or prospective parents, emotions run high and are up and down.   I have no choice but to hold it together as really what good does it do to get upset?  I've been in tears tonight but not actually cried.  I figure what happened tonight is just par for the course.  We got sad news at school on Tuesday so that has just added to things.   Oh my goodness, I hope this Lupron (needed it for the surgery that got cancelled) wears off soon.  It really does a number on you.  Anybody that has been on it will attest to that.    I wish I had greater faith in this whole adoption process.

One of the teachers at the first school I taught at had me for dinner one night.  She had been on medical leave the year before after getting very sick.  She had a poem on her apartment wall that really spoke to me.  It was called Footprints. At that time I had lost my faith but didn't think much more about it.  About five years later when I was going through a rough spot, it came back to me and really helped me.  I bought the book and have shared the poem with several people.  Perhaps I am at a point where I need to start believing in it again.  Oh, for a sign,something, anything as to which direction to go.

I do have other plans and am not putting all my eggs in one basket.  This isn't Plan A and yes there is a Plan B, not sure about a Plan C, but possibly.  Trying to ignore what I have been told by different agencies, I figured Canada Adopts would give me some natinal coverage!  For about $170 a month, including my local agency fees, I figured it was worth a try.  There is an additional charge each time there is an inquiry from outside of the province, so we'll see if it gets pricier!  I meet with my worker at my local agency on Tuesday to talk about the country she sent me information on.  I also need to email two families who have adopted from this country to find out about their experiences. 

Thank you for reading this tonight. I promise I will try to be more upbeat next time.  Have a good weekend.

P.S.  Thanks DT for the LD gift card.  I put it towards a video camera that I ran and bought tonight after I got off the phone.  Hopefully I can put it to use sooner rather than later.  I am now engaging in full on retail therapy!!!!!  Please let me know how you stop a VISA from going into meltdown!!!!!!

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