I don't know what to think anymore!

I have been plodding along since my last post and made it through 8 rounds of dose-dense AC chemo (May-August) and am know 17/28 radiation treatments down.  I have been focused on the surgery I am having Nov. 25 and on beating this battle with breast cancer.  I just found out some not so good news yesterday and don't know what to think about life anymore.  I mean how many times can you knock a person when they are already down?  My family has been through so much recently that it has to about time our luck changes or at least starts taking a positive turn!   I think of the song "Life's a dance you learn as you go" and goodness gracious me, my life is one heck of a dance, if you can even call it that, right now!

I need to do some work on this blog as two of the waiting families are home with their daughters.  One little girl from the Congo and another little girl from Vietnam.  It is nice to know, read and hear of success stories.  I also have a few blogs to add as at one point I had considered India and am now following a couple of blogs about adoptions from India.  I think about the families still waiting for Honduras and wonder what is happening there.  There doesn't seem to be much news there except for the family that changed paths and adopted from Taiwan.

I will explain why all the countries in another post but somebody asked me why I have these countries.  In short, they are all countries I researched and looked into at some point in my journey. 

I'm done making lemonade! Life is just plain old unfair and a you know what

To come clean for anybody reading my blog and wondering what is going on I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer in April right as I was about to leave and go to my country to meet my little girl "N".    After two years in the process and being proposed a 3 1/2 year old, I was over the moon only to have the rug abruptly, suddenly and cruelly yanked out from underneath me.  My heart aches, well feels like it has been ripped out from me, and the only little bit of peace I have is that she is being adopted by a family in Ontario.  When I first found out, I could only rationalize the loss by better to find out before she came home than this time next year when I would be a single mummy with stage three breast cancer!  The agency in Ontario that I have been working with is very supportive and has let me put my case on hold.  My country apparently doesn't hold cancer against waiting parents.  I was optimistic I might still adopt but now in the early stages of very dose dense aggressive chemo (2/8 rounds), I don't think there is anyway I will ever have the strength.   The loss of my dream is too hard and painful at the moment!  To be honsest, I can't even see ever returning to work full time.  I am a primary teacher!

I wish I had greater faith as many of you out there believe in things which are beyond me.  I like to think I am a pretty good person, kind, honest, caring, hard working, a good friend, so why me God?  Why me and why when I was so close?  Are you there God, it's me Elizabeth and I want to know why? (Remember that Judy Blume book?)

To the interloper I think is lurking in the back wings, perhaps you are now satisfied!   Will you call things off now?  Enough is enough, surely! 

To all the people supporting me in this journey I can't thank you enough for your support and prayers.  To those of you whose blogs I follow, please keep blogging.  I so enjoy reading about your families and wish those of you still waiting the best news as soon as possible.

FYI
I have read that in women between the ages of 40-49,  25% cancers are missed by mammograms.  YES!  You read that right and I am royally you know what!  I have had regular annual mammograms since 2010 and nothing until my breast basically exploded in tumor this March!  Apparently the tumor is 3-5 years old!   What are the odds of being missed so many times?  This percentage of missed cancers needs to be made really public and there needs to be better screening!  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everybody "Running for the Cure" and all the money that is raised for cancer research  but maybe we should be looking at catching or detecting cancer earlier by having better diagnostic and imaging devices, rather than putting the money towards a cure which seems for ever elusive!  Governments also need to step up to the plate and provide the necessary funding so that the equipment in their jurisdiction is state of the art.   

So close and yet no longer a possibility!

I had a phone call just over a month ago about a little girl "N" in my country, 3 years old - perfect age, that was available for adoption.  I decided to wait until after my knee surgery on April 4 to travel.  As I was going on my own this trip, I wanted to be sure my knee was good.  My country is not terribly accessible for those with mobility issues and I wanted to be sure I would be ok.  I was also wearing a big brace before the surgery and didn't want them to think that the injury was permanent.  In the last three weeks I have been given some very challenging and distressing news in regards to a personal health issue.  Things have happened very quickly and I am now needing to focus on a new and challenging journey or battle!  OnWednesday, April 24, I had to make one of the hardest phone calls ever and tell the director of the agency back east that I had to let my little lamb go.  I am devastated as I was so close to becoming a mummy after almost two years of devoting my life to the adoption process.  Little "N" was mine barring any major medical issues andadvertising by the lawyer.  After my quick trip mid-May it was hoped I could be going to court in October or November! 

I  don't know how I feel: ANGRY, sad, mad, depressed, fed-up, discouraged, disbelief!   I really and truly believed that having "N" proposed to me was the end of a run of some hard knocks - not so!   I have been thrown one more!!!!!!  I want to ask why me God?  Don't you think I would have made a good mum?  Why are you robbing me of this chance?  I am not sure if adoption is still possible after this newest challenge or even if I will feel up to it, being a single parent there will always be fear of a reoccurrence!

Francesca, I need to email you and Gen and Lisa thank you for your emails and support off line.  I will continue to follow everybody's blogs as I love seeing the kids and hope that those of you waiting will receive good news soon.

I hope to start another blog about my newest challenge as if I can save one woman the news I've had it is worth going public.  I also greatly appreciate all your support and comments and will need that so much in the next 8 months to 1 year.

Thank you all for everything you have done to make the adoption journey a little easier.
love
Elizabeth
p.s.  I will post a link when I get the new blog or Caring Bridge site up and running.

A Bit of Good News

Despite a setback at the end of February that threw a wrench into things, my luck looks like it might be changing.  I can't post any more than this at the moment about the situation but do want to document the date.  Things turned around in a matter of hours this morning.  After all I have been through, and yet to experience I am being very careful on all fronts.  I have to get through a challenge on April 4, please say a prayer for me that all goes well, and then when I am recovered from that I will make my next move.  I am working with some good people back east and just wish it wasn't so expensive to fly back there.   Between my agency and many of my blogging friends I would have a great trip!  If only we could get airfares like they can in the USA!   Best wishes to all of you.  I am so grateful for your support and will get on my email asap!

ABC's of International Adoption - Part Three

I have just had yet another birthday!!!!!!!  Holidays and birthdays are painful reminders in this process and seem to be one way of marking time.  All I can think of is I'll be that much older if and when my daughter ever comes home. Due to an unfortunate accident at the end of February, I wasn't much in the mood for celebrating this year.   My parents are wonderful and amazing.  I can only hope to be like them one day.  They came over last Thursday and appeared in my classroom after school taking me completely by surprise.  I am facing a number of challenges at the moment and a lot of anxiety and it was so lovely to see them.  We had a lovely family dinner with my sister on Friday night and then I have used the weekend to write report cards!!!!!!!

Here goes for a few more letters: 
Source: Concise Oxford English Dictionary

hapless (pg. 649) - unlucky or unfortunate
On Tuesday, February 26, I had a hapless accident that has thrown a major wrench into things.

immigration (pg. 712) - the action of coming to live permanetly in a foreign country
The immigration process to bring an adopted child to Canada has two routes.  One is citizenship and the other is as a a permanent resident.

jump at (pg. 770) - accept eagerly
I was going to take a leap of faith and jump at the opportunity but my hapless accident has slowed me down.

kaleidoscope (pg. 774) - a toy consisting of a tube containing mirrors and pieces of coloured glass or paper, whose reflection produce changing patterns when the tube is rotated
The toy store near my parents' house has little plastic, pocket-sized kaleidoscopes perfect for little hands to hold and use.

More later, very tired and off to make some dinner. 

The ABC's of International Adoption - Part Two

Here goes for a few more letters: 
Source: Concise Oxford English Dictionary

flail around/about (pg. 539) - flounder or struggle
I was flailing in this process until Friday morning.  I was beginning to feel a bit like a fish out of water!

guarded (pg. 632) - cautious and having possible reservations
I now have some very guarded optimism.

I am off to a meeting but wanted to throw those two words up!  Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

The ABC's of International Adoption - Part One

My February blogging challenge!

Instead of griping I think I am going to try to describe the process of international adoption using each of the letters of the alphabet.  Perhaps this will be eye-opening to anybody beginning the process, familiar to those of you in it, and a reminder to those that are fortunate to have succeeded.

Here goes!
Source: Concise Oxford English Dictionary

advocate  (pg. 19) -  person who publicly supports or recommends a particular cause or policy
In my experience, there is no advocate for those in the process of international adoption despite the HUGE amount of fees that are paid.

*cheating with "B" - I don't want to be totally negative!  This one is at least educational.
balata (pg. 100)- a tropical American tree which bears edible fruit and produces latex. The woman in the Amerindian gift shop in my country told me it was like wax.
I have two balata figurines, a parrot and a turtle both symbolic, from my country which I have looked at recently and considered melting! 

capitulate (pg. 208) - cease to resist an opponent or an unwelcome demand; surrender
I will soon capitulate to the international adoption process as I have put up a good fight and am running low on mental and emotional reserves!

dishearten (pg. 411)-  to lose determination or confidence
I am one hundred percent disheartened by the process of international adoption.

endangered (pg. 470) - at risk, especially of extinction
I believe adoptive parents are becoming an endangered species. 
Sorry, I can't help feeling this way, especially after reading some annual reports. 
FYI: Did you know that adoption agencies in BC do not have to post numbers in their annual reports?

enervate  (pg. 472) - to feel drained of energy
The international adoption process will at some point cause one to feel enervated and confused.

Any other words you can think of ? 

Liebster Award

When Gina (One in Five Million) posted of her amazing news regarding her adoption from the DRC, Mia at Gypsy Mama nominated her for this award.  Today my blogging friend Gen  from (Cinammon Baby) nominated me!   Thank you Gen!  I so appreciate your support and understanding and so glad we were able to communicate by email.  I wish Gen and her husband Pablo the best of luck with completing their adoption from Sri Lanka THIS YEAR.   

Like Gen, I haven't done anything like this before.  I did read Lisa's 30 Day Blog Challenge a long time ago when I started following her blog and had thought that would be fun to do but never got around to it.  So with this Liebster Award comes the opportunity for you to learn a little bit more about me.  I have never participated in any of those chain letters/emails that require to send out and ask people to send back, but as the rules for this seem friendly, thought I'd give it a try.

The Liebster Award

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another. If you receive the award, there are a few rules to follow.

Each blogger nominated must post 11 things about themselves.

Then you have to answer the 11 questions the tagger has asked.

The blogger must then create 11 questions of their own to ask the bloggers they decide to nominate.

They must choose 11  ( or less if you can't do 11) bloggers with less than 200 followers to nominate and link them on their blog post.

Bloggers must be notified of their award.

No tag backs!

11 Things about me
1.  I was born in England and lived in Europe (England, Switzerland and France) until I was 15 when I moved to Canada with my family.
2.  I have a job that is never dull, always interesting and on the go!  I am a primary teacher (K-3) and this year am teaching grade 2.  I love grade 2 but then I love K, 1 and 3!!!!  I have been teaching since 1991.  Yikes, that seems like a long time! 
3.  I like to scrapbook and quilt but don't seem to much time for them at the moment.  I have to get back to them as they are a good source of distraction from the stress of this process. Quilting is especially good as the seems have to be EXACT if you want perfect points and corners.
4.  I LOVE cats and dogs.  My first pet was a grey tabby named Tabitha and my dearest pet, our family cat Tinkerbell, also a grey tabby.  Dearest Tinkerbell would seek out the person who needed her most and comfort them.  Unfortunately she has passed away but I like to think shes found others on which to shower her affection.  I rent my apartment and am not allowed to have pets!!!!! 
5. I am very close to my family and they are a great source of support.  My parents live on Vancouver Island, my sister 20 minutes away, and my Nan (grandmother), aunt and uncle, cousins and their families in the Bay Area.
6.  I spent Christmas waging war, no not literally yet, against the urban deer destroying my parents' garden.  Fishing line, soap on a rope and motion dector sprinklers work so far!   The book I found says to attack their senses on a rotating basis!  Moth balls apparently work wonders but are bad for the ground water so we will not be using them. Any tips/hints here, please leave a comment.
7.  I love water.  I love being in it - swimming, deep water running, playing, being on it - on a boat, and by it at the beach.  Perhaps this is because I'm a pisces or just because water has a very calming quality.
8.  I am a fan of Downton Abby on PBS Masterpiece Theatre.  Any others out there?  I am enjoying 9:00 on Sunday nights.  No phone calls between 9-10 please.
9.  One thing to do on my bucket list is to visit Hawaii.  Any suggestions as to where to start?
10.  One of my New Year's resolutions is to start getting some exercise, when my knee is better, and to return to WW!!!!!
11.  With some things, not exercise see #10, I am like a dog with a bone.  For example; getting extra help  and designations for my students and completing this adoption.  With other things I am a total procrastinator.

11 Questions From Gen

1- What is your favorite movie?
    I hate having to chose.  Favourites include: Father of the Bride, Pretty Woman, The Notebook and Plane, Trains and Automibles

2- What kind of student were you in elementary school?

I was an average student who worked very hard.  I don't think I ever really got into trouble but I do remember having to write out the word "remember" 500 times!  The things teachers could back in the seventies!!!!

3- Your biggest success?
    Tough, other than my degree and diploma, I think I'd have to say saving enough money to pay for the adoption process.

4- What is your oldest memory?

Day trips to London on the train with my dad as a little girl and getting a doll's house for Christmas made by my grandad - I still have it in my parents' basement just in case it is ever needed!

5- Who was your hero when you were growing up?

     I don't think I really had a hero.  I am thinking on this one.

6- Describe a place you love close to your home.

I love to go to Spanish Banks.  It is a wonderful beach about 15-20 minutes drive from my place.  You can read more about here.  It is a great place to take kids, walk, or ride your bike along the trail.  Can't wait to share it with my daughter. 

7- What's your go-to meal to entertain friends?

I don't do much entertaining but if I have friends or family coming over it would have to be turkey lasgna.  Easy to make ahead of time and then throw in the oven.  Serve with a spinach salad and you have a delicious meal.  The lasgna gives me more time to be with the company.

8- One song on your playlist right now?

Always the one to go beyond expectations for an assignment I am including two!

Becca Fly by Kenny Hess  Yes, I know it's country, I have a real mix of songs but there is something about this one that draws me back to it time and time again.

 Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo‘ole - Wonderful World  - I love this song and have just put it into an "imovie" that I made of my trip to my country.  The music is perfect with my pictures, as is his version of "Over the Rainbow"  I first heard his music at a school assembly 8 years ago. 

9- Name one quality you hope one of your parents has passed on to you.

     determination and perseverance

10- Are you more into Science or Arts?

This is a tough one.  I never really liked Science but loved math, hated History but loved Geography!

11- How much time do you spend blogging and reading blogs each day?

Depends whether people have posted and whether I discover a new blog.   I can spend a couple of hours on a new blog.  On average though maybe an hour or so.

My turn! 

11 questions for my blogging friends

1)   What is your favourite book/author?

2)   Do you have any pets?  If yes, info (type and name) and pictures if you are willing.  If no, would you like one and what kind.

3)   Name one place you would like to visit. 

4)   Do you have a favouite app (phone, ipad, or if you don't have anything "i", an edible appitizer)?

5)  Tell about a surprise in your life.

6)  What was your favourite childhood activity?

7)  Tell about something you have learned, anything from anytime.

8)  What stresses you out?

9)   What are three words would your family and friend use to describe you?

10)  White wine or red wine?

11) A wish you have

If you guys are ever in Vancouver, please let me know, I'd love to meet you in person!

P.S.  You don't need to tell about the person's blog but I did for you info

Some blogs I nominate that fit the " new or 'up and coming'" category!

Francesca at Viaggio Vietnam - the first blog about Vietnam I found and started following, and like Gen a great source of support through emails

Karen at Dreaming Under the Same Moon - a woman of extraordinary strength and determination

Meg and Pat at Ottawahoabinhseoul - a wonderful family who just completed a second adoption before Christmas, I found this blog through Francesca

Not "new" bloggers, but GREAT blogs to read and follow!!!!   When I checked your sites I think you have less than 200 followers so you still qualify in my book!!!!!
Lisa at Are We There Yet Len - I found Lisa's blog through Wendy's blog about Honduras (On My Way Again), these were my second and third blogs before I chose a country, Lisa has faced, met and dealt with numerous challenges!
Shauna at My Greatest Adventure - the first blog I started reading about adoption from Ethiopia, my friend's doula connected me

Catherine at Catherine's Chatter - the first blog I found about China and the "go to" Disney expert

Happy New Year and Best Wishes for 2013

I write with very mixed emotions and not at all sure of what to expect from 2013.  I am not superstitious but the idea of "13" is not sitting well especially on the heels of a VERY CHALLENGING 2012!  I don't really know what I feel any more or where to start with this post.

What I do know is that I am very grateful for my family and friends.  Despite being sick with a very nasty cold, I had a restful and relaxing Christmas and scrapbooked three, 12"x12" calendars!!!!  For those that scrapbook you will know that this takes some time.  It kept me busy and my mind off other things.  Despite my challenges for 2012, I know there are many of you out there that suffered greater losses and illness so I hesistate to complain.

I am very grateful for my blogging friends.  To those of you with children home, thank you for sharing your families with us on your blogs.  The delight on little faces and to see little ones enjoying the season reminded me that there is hope.  I think I may take a leaf out of Cinammon Baby's author next year as I wish I had 1/100th of her new optimism!  

This time last year I had been passed to another person at my local agency and so when I decided to go with my country I took the bull by the horns so to speak and worked with the director in Toronto directly.  I put my dossier together, worked out with a wonderful woman in the Attorney General's office in Victoria which parts had to go there, and had a lawyer to whom I am very grateful stamp the documents. I also applied for and passed the first stage of Canadian citizenship for my yet unamed, unmatched child.  This exprires March 2014 so things had better move.  This year, unfortunately I can't take the bull by the horns, I have no control of the process now.  All I can do is wait and wait and wait and then wait some more.   I have been thinking is it easier to wait without a match, or would it be harder if I were matched and waiting.  I think there are pros and cons of both and no easy answer.

The end of the summer was hard as I passed up a little girl and in doing so knew I might be waiting a long time.  I believe this was for the best and don't regret my decision.  I have to say though I spent quite a bit of time wondering if R was with her forever family.  I hope so as it pains me to think she could still be sitting in the orphanage.  I updated my home study in September and if I remember correctly it finally made it to the agency back east soemtime in mid-late October.
I mailed my profile to Ontario this week.  Before Christmas my country decided that it would be good for waiting parents to have a profile.  This is a write-up about yourself, your family, your home, your neighbourhood in order to market, oops I mean share, yourself to birth parents.  It is how domestic adoption works in BC.  I didn't go the domestic adoption route as three out of four provincial agencies told me I didn't stand a chance as a single parent.  Now I have a profile for the international process!  Oh, well it could work in my favour.  I got an email last Sunday night that raised my hopes slightly, but that I took with guarded optimism, only to find out mid-week that the process is changing some more at the Canadian end. I am trying to get some information but have yet to hear back.

I am in quite a rutt as I don't feel ready to give up on the process as I want to become a mother so badly, but also don't know how much longer I can go like I am.  I would never discourage anybody from entering the adoption process as I know how much it means to them, but I would certainly be very honest about the process and the challenges involved.