Happy New Year and Best Wishes for 2013

I write with very mixed emotions and not at all sure of what to expect from 2013.  I am not superstitious but the idea of "13" is not sitting well especially on the heels of a VERY CHALLENGING 2012!  I don't really know what I feel any more or where to start with this post.

What I do know is that I am very grateful for my family and friends.  Despite being sick with a very nasty cold, I had a restful and relaxing Christmas and scrapbooked three, 12"x12" calendars!!!!  For those that scrapbook you will know that this takes some time.  It kept me busy and my mind off other things.  Despite my challenges for 2012, I know there are many of you out there that suffered greater losses and illness so I hesistate to complain.

I am very grateful for my blogging friends.  To those of you with children home, thank you for sharing your families with us on your blogs.  The delight on little faces and to see little ones enjoying the season reminded me that there is hope.  I think I may take a leaf out of Cinammon Baby's author next year as I wish I had 1/100th of her new optimism!  

This time last year I had been passed to another person at my local agency and so when I decided to go with my country I took the bull by the horns so to speak and worked with the director in Toronto directly.  I put my dossier together, worked out with a wonderful woman in the Attorney General's office in Victoria which parts had to go there, and had a lawyer to whom I am very grateful stamp the documents. I also applied for and passed the first stage of Canadian citizenship for my yet unamed, unmatched child.  This exprires March 2014 so things had better move.  This year, unfortunately I can't take the bull by the horns, I have no control of the process now.  All I can do is wait and wait and wait and then wait some more.   I have been thinking is it easier to wait without a match, or would it be harder if I were matched and waiting.  I think there are pros and cons of both and no easy answer.

The end of the summer was hard as I passed up a little girl and in doing so knew I might be waiting a long time.  I believe this was for the best and don't regret my decision.  I have to say though I spent quite a bit of time wondering if R was with her forever family.  I hope so as it pains me to think she could still be sitting in the orphanage.  I updated my home study in September and if I remember correctly it finally made it to the agency back east soemtime in mid-late October.
I mailed my profile to Ontario this week.  Before Christmas my country decided that it would be good for waiting parents to have a profile.  This is a write-up about yourself, your family, your home, your neighbourhood in order to market, oops I mean share, yourself to birth parents.  It is how domestic adoption works in BC.  I didn't go the domestic adoption route as three out of four provincial agencies told me I didn't stand a chance as a single parent.  Now I have a profile for the international process!  Oh, well it could work in my favour.  I got an email last Sunday night that raised my hopes slightly, but that I took with guarded optimism, only to find out mid-week that the process is changing some more at the Canadian end. I am trying to get some information but have yet to hear back.

I am in quite a rutt as I don't feel ready to give up on the process as I want to become a mother so badly, but also don't know how much longer I can go like I am.  I would never discourage anybody from entering the adoption process as I know how much it means to them, but I would certainly be very honest about the process and the challenges involved.