Time - home for three weeks now

I can't believe in a couple of hours time I will have been home for 3 weeks!  We got back around 1:00 in the morning.  My country feels like a million miles away!  Time is ticking and the lawyer's assistant's comment of,  :if everything is in place, it could be a September court date" is now likely November if I decide to go this route!   Presently, I am spinning my wheels in quick sand!  There is no court in December and the last thing I want to do is spend Christmas in a hotel room in a foreign country!   To those of you who were privy to my emails while travelling, I haven't made a decision but am investigating the possibility.

 What has happened in those three weeks isn't much I'm afraid, although those of you that know me well, know I haven't been sitting still.  Just picture a dog with a bone!   The first week I was numb, shell-shocked, felt like I'd been dragged through a bush backwards, broken-hearted, and more emotions than I can name or care to post.  I have run out of "i-stock credits" and although beyond broke (financially and emotionally) went to their website to see if they had pictures for the feelings I was experiencing, no, nothing not a single photo matched my emotions!   Hence, no photos to post!

 The first week back I had my dad here with me as he was at a conference here in Vancouver.  We are very close and it was good to have his company.  The weekend he left was particularly hard and last week was very tough too!   I have been in tears several times but haven't actually broken down and cried yet although have felt like it a number of times.  I am having to be patient in this process but this is hard when information isn't forth-coming.   The end of last week, I tried to take the bull by the horns so as to avoid a repeat of the previous weekend.  At the end of last week, I was asked to have patience!   I wanted to scream and shout, "Do you know how long I have been trying to be patient?"   I want some information and answers and don't believe they can be that hard to get.  Unfortunately, there are no daisies around here to pick, not that I want to or feel like it anyway!

This week I have been encouraged by the agency director back east to be pro-active in this process.  This is good news, but now I have to figure out what this means.  I have to figure out how to be pro-active without stepping on another certain person's toes that I feel holds so much for me at the moment.  For years I have advocated for my students with special needs, written letters to doctors telling them what we need to get a designation, and being pretty successful.  Since I have been home I have been asking myself, why now when I am trying find and bring my child home do I keep striking out.  I want help!   Where is the person to help me accomplish this?  I am so grateful to my friends and blogging buddies.  I think I have posted before that I don't tweet or have a facebook page, but I have learnt there are some very wonderful people on-line walking the same journey who send me emails and support me.  One day I wish we could have a great big family get together!   What a multi-cultural party it would be with children from all over the world!  Thanks especially to F, G and G.

I am beginning to wonder if there is some reason this adoption process isn't working out but try hard to stop these thoughts and to remind myself that the process of international is complex and challenging for most families.  As several of us have said, it isn't for the faint of heart and we will certainly be able to teach our children about persistence and determination.

I have to give thanks to AFABC, who are absolutely wonderful.  For those of you in BC - become a member you won't be sorry!  After talking to them, I am pursuing a consultation with The Centre for Adoptive Medicine at Seattle Children's Hospital.  I love the way Americans respond!  Within hours of sending a request for information I had heard back from these people.   One of the women in the office even made me laugh when she compared my process to "bushwhacking".  Maybe "i-stock" have a photo for that!   I had an experience with the American medical system in December of last year and I was very impressed so have decided to go south of the border again!  I will keep you informed, as much as I can on my blog, of their services and support but have barely started and already feel supported.  I don't think their costs are bad at all, not given what I have already paid and what I have got for that significant sum of money.  

I begin to wonder if I am going through some grieving process as this week I find myself feeling angry with the system and the lack of success with my trip.  I knew if the trip wound up like this, I wouldn't be too happy a camper once home, but I didn't believe it would go this way.  I was so absolutely positive, certain I would find a child.  Maybe I did or as A said on at dinner last Friday, maybe my child found me. 

It is Thursday in about 20 minutes!  Maybe I'll hear news before the weekend, after all I do have Thursday and Friday but I'm not holding my breath!  I tried to make a phone call tonight, thanks to being given permission to make it, but the person is away is until the end of next week!   Another delay!

Good night all.  I sure wish I had some positive news to share and was making progress.  While I investigate at Seattle Children's I am also starting to research an other country.  Not sure how I can afford to do this, but the end result is what is driving me.