Have you ever felt such despair and frustration that you just want to give up and throw it in? Well I have felt it on several fronts over the last week. I don't intend for this blog to mix work with my personal life, but for any of you in British Columbia following this blog you know that our Liberal government is on a full-out attack of teachers! We have been walking the 'sticket line' and 'stickletting' for three days this week. Those of us in Vancouver are now on spring break for two weeks and waiting to see when Bill 22 passes. In a nut shell Bill 22 strips of us of many of our collective rights in regards to seniority, job security and class size and composition. In grades 4-12 there will be no limit on the number of special needs that can be in a class. Today it was released that teachers of grade 8-12 students that take on a 31st or more student with get an additional $312 pay. Teachers of grades 4-7 that take on a 31st student will get just over $2,000 in additional pay. Do you know of any other educational jurisdiction where teachers are paid to take extra students? As you can probably tell this stress and uncertainty at work hasn't helped matters. Combine it with and add it to the stress, uncertainty and lack of control that I face as a single prospective adoptive parent face, enough is enough! Suffice to say, things are pretty stressful right now.
What's up with the adoption? Well last Friday, March 2, I talked to my lady at the agency in Ontario about my dossier and what I needed to do. The lady writing the "Cinnamon Baby" blog and I share the same agency but for different countries. Please see her post, The Honest Agent. When I read it tonight, feeling the way I do, I have to thank her because she has given me some perspective, a bit of reassurance, redirection and hope. On Monday the lady at my Ontario agency provided me with the email address of another prospective parent who has already made her first trip to my country. Unfortunately we have yet to connect. I am now being asked to consider increasing the age of the child I would adopt as their are no children 42 months or younger available for adoption. I have concerns about adopting an older child as throughout this process I had hoped and still want to be able to experience the pre-school years. My home study is ready to go so all that I need is to decide how old a child I am willing to adopt. If I say 4 years 11 months, it could mean I bring home an almost six year old by the time I make the second trip. If I keep it at 42 months, and there are no children this age or younger, then I have to make another matching trip to the country.
This week has been particularly hard as I celebrated my birthday and it is yet another year of being without a child, or more importantly fulfilling my dream of becoming a parent. I don't have the faith that some of the prospective parents blog about, maybe I should, but am beginning to wonder if there is some kind of message in all of this for me. Does God have another plan for me and I have to find the faith and patience to trust in the path he is leading me down? I don't know! I find myself angry and frustrated rather than upset and seem to be beyond the point of crying. Now, hopes of having a child home for Christmas are unlikely due to the time lines.
It is spring break and I should be happy but it is hard to be as I think back to where I was this time last year. Last year at spring break while trying to choose a local agency, I learned that Ethiopia had reduced the number of cases it was processing and that it wasn't an option. China had opened to singles but only for those with $100,000 in assets and only for special needs children. On the bright side, compared to last spring break I do have a completed home study and a dossier sitting on hold at my Ontario agency.
Please pray that the reference gets back to me this weekend. If not, I am going to have to make a leap of faith one way or the other.
If you have any thoughts on adopting children four or five years of age older, or have experience with this please leave me a comment. I'd love to talk to you.
I promise I will try to be more positive next time.
Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely allowed to feel down! And keep in mind that feeling sad or discouraged doesn't mean that this whole journey is not meant to be.
It's not supposed to be easy, just hang in there and things will settle one way or another.
Gen
Thanks Gen, from many of the blogs I follow,I think all prospective parents feel this way and have ups and downs in the process. I think as a teacher I am used to being in control. Don't get me wrong, I am not a 'control freak' at all, but in this process you aren't in control. Also, I have been told that once you are accepted by a country and on a waiting-list things get a bit easier, although I don't think all the people waiting to adopt from Honduras would say that.
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