What do you do when you fee like there is no end in sight?

It's December and I have little news to share.  I am not decorating my apartment this year.  I am not even putting a wreath on the apartment door.  Well, what's happened in 2012?  I did get my dossier to my country and make a trip, only to lose R who after what I was told about why she all of a sudden was no longer available, I can only hope has had some joy brought to her life.  I will be thinking of her Christmas morning as we open stockings and presents! 

Like Gen on Cinnamon Baby I have asked myself the same question this fall and am not ready to give up.  I haven't spent all the money I have to walk away yet, although I don't know if I can go for the length of time this mama has on Dreaming Under the Same Moon.   I have to thank these two wonderful mums in waiting for sharing as I think only those of us in our position, or those that have been in it as many of my other blogging friends have, can feel the heart ache, frustration and despair that is experienced in the adoption process.  It is certainly not a journey for the weak of heart.  When the going gets tough, the tough get going!  Or as the Brits would say have a stiff upper lip!   I don't know what to do as I have not had one email from the agent in my country this fall.  No contact.  Notta, naught, nowt!   I haven't wanted to bug her so didn't email either but I am beginning to think I have been forgotten!

 I got an email from my agency a week ago to say there has been a change in the process that clients can participate in.  It seems this change brings the process to something akin to domestic adoption.  Although, I knew there was no waiting list, no numbers, etc  I had some trust and faith.  During the summer I thought revising my home study might be to my advantage, so I did but still haven't heard anything.  Now I am trying to market myself!!!!!!   I am working on putting together a profile that somebody would choose.  Single mums are rarely chosen by birth mums in domestic adoptions, three local agencies told me this, so I can only hope international birth parents (no, don't get excited there aren't suddenly infants available) are more receptive to a single parent family situation.  If they aren't, then I am hooped!  I am trying to look at all the things I have to offer, but a single parent in an apartment doesn't really compare to the couple with the house, white picket fence, dog and station wagon. 

I phoned my local agency about Canada Adopts as I have to decide whether to renew this in January.  Apparently there have been enquiries of other parents on the BC list just not me.  It sounds like quite a few couples have had birth mums call the agency about them although of course I have been given no idea of what this means.  I am leaning towards saving the money associated on being on Canada Adopts and putting it towards the cost of a flight to Toronto in the hopes I get called for a match from my country.  

I think I may put in a call to AFABC this week.  They seem to be more in the know than anybody.  I love these folks so much and they are always so helpful and understanding.