I'm done making lemonade! Life is just plain old unfair and a you know what

To come clean for anybody reading my blog and wondering what is going on I was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer in April right as I was about to leave and go to my country to meet my little girl "N".    After two years in the process and being proposed a 3 1/2 year old, I was over the moon only to have the rug abruptly, suddenly and cruelly yanked out from underneath me.  My heart aches, well feels like it has been ripped out from me, and the only little bit of peace I have is that she is being adopted by a family in Ontario.  When I first found out, I could only rationalize the loss by better to find out before she came home than this time next year when I would be a single mummy with stage three breast cancer!  The agency in Ontario that I have been working with is very supportive and has let me put my case on hold.  My country apparently doesn't hold cancer against waiting parents.  I was optimistic I might still adopt but now in the early stages of very dose dense aggressive chemo (2/8 rounds), I don't think there is anyway I will ever have the strength.   The loss of my dream is too hard and painful at the moment!  To be honsest, I can't even see ever returning to work full time.  I am a primary teacher!

I wish I had greater faith as many of you out there believe in things which are beyond me.  I like to think I am a pretty good person, kind, honest, caring, hard working, a good friend, so why me God?  Why me and why when I was so close?  Are you there God, it's me Elizabeth and I want to know why? (Remember that Judy Blume book?)

To the interloper I think is lurking in the back wings, perhaps you are now satisfied!   Will you call things off now?  Enough is enough, surely! 

To all the people supporting me in this journey I can't thank you enough for your support and prayers.  To those of you whose blogs I follow, please keep blogging.  I so enjoy reading about your families and wish those of you still waiting the best news as soon as possible.

FYI
I have read that in women between the ages of 40-49,  25% cancers are missed by mammograms.  YES!  You read that right and I am royally you know what!  I have had regular annual mammograms since 2010 and nothing until my breast basically exploded in tumor this March!  Apparently the tumor is 3-5 years old!   What are the odds of being missed so many times?  This percentage of missed cancers needs to be made really public and there needs to be better screening!  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everybody "Running for the Cure" and all the money that is raised for cancer research  but maybe we should be looking at catching or detecting cancer earlier by having better diagnostic and imaging devices, rather than putting the money towards a cure which seems for ever elusive!  Governments also need to step up to the plate and provide the necessary funding so that the equipment in their jurisdiction is state of the art.   

So close and yet no longer a possibility!

I had a phone call just over a month ago about a little girl "N" in my country, 3 years old - perfect age, that was available for adoption.  I decided to wait until after my knee surgery on April 4 to travel.  As I was going on my own this trip, I wanted to be sure my knee was good.  My country is not terribly accessible for those with mobility issues and I wanted to be sure I would be ok.  I was also wearing a big brace before the surgery and didn't want them to think that the injury was permanent.  In the last three weeks I have been given some very challenging and distressing news in regards to a personal health issue.  Things have happened very quickly and I am now needing to focus on a new and challenging journey or battle!  OnWednesday, April 24, I had to make one of the hardest phone calls ever and tell the director of the agency back east that I had to let my little lamb go.  I am devastated as I was so close to becoming a mummy after almost two years of devoting my life to the adoption process.  Little "N" was mine barring any major medical issues andadvertising by the lawyer.  After my quick trip mid-May it was hoped I could be going to court in October or November! 

I  don't know how I feel: ANGRY, sad, mad, depressed, fed-up, discouraged, disbelief!   I really and truly believed that having "N" proposed to me was the end of a run of some hard knocks - not so!   I have been thrown one more!!!!!!  I want to ask why me God?  Don't you think I would have made a good mum?  Why are you robbing me of this chance?  I am not sure if adoption is still possible after this newest challenge or even if I will feel up to it, being a single parent there will always be fear of a reoccurrence!

Francesca, I need to email you and Gen and Lisa thank you for your emails and support off line.  I will continue to follow everybody's blogs as I love seeing the kids and hope that those of you waiting will receive good news soon.

I hope to start another blog about my newest challenge as if I can save one woman the news I've had it is worth going public.  I also greatly appreciate all your support and comments and will need that so much in the next 8 months to 1 year.

Thank you all for everything you have done to make the adoption journey a little easier.
love
Elizabeth
p.s.  I will post a link when I get the new blog or Caring Bridge site up and running.

A Bit of Good News

Despite a setback at the end of February that threw a wrench into things, my luck looks like it might be changing.  I can't post any more than this at the moment about the situation but do want to document the date.  Things turned around in a matter of hours this morning.  After all I have been through, and yet to experience I am being very careful on all fronts.  I have to get through a challenge on April 4, please say a prayer for me that all goes well, and then when I am recovered from that I will make my next move.  I am working with some good people back east and just wish it wasn't so expensive to fly back there.   Between my agency and many of my blogging friends I would have a great trip!  If only we could get airfares like they can in the USA!   Best wishes to all of you.  I am so grateful for your support and will get on my email asap!

ABC's of International Adoption - Part Three

I have just had yet another birthday!!!!!!!  Holidays and birthdays are painful reminders in this process and seem to be one way of marking time.  All I can think of is I'll be that much older if and when my daughter ever comes home. Due to an unfortunate accident at the end of February, I wasn't much in the mood for celebrating this year.   My parents are wonderful and amazing.  I can only hope to be like them one day.  They came over last Thursday and appeared in my classroom after school taking me completely by surprise.  I am facing a number of challenges at the moment and a lot of anxiety and it was so lovely to see them.  We had a lovely family dinner with my sister on Friday night and then I have used the weekend to write report cards!!!!!!!

Here goes for a few more letters: 
Source: Concise Oxford English Dictionary

hapless (pg. 649) - unlucky or unfortunate
On Tuesday, February 26, I had a hapless accident that has thrown a major wrench into things.

immigration (pg. 712) - the action of coming to live permanetly in a foreign country
The immigration process to bring an adopted child to Canada has two routes.  One is citizenship and the other is as a a permanent resident.

jump at (pg. 770) - accept eagerly
I was going to take a leap of faith and jump at the opportunity but my hapless accident has slowed me down.

kaleidoscope (pg. 774) - a toy consisting of a tube containing mirrors and pieces of coloured glass or paper, whose reflection produce changing patterns when the tube is rotated
The toy store near my parents' house has little plastic, pocket-sized kaleidoscopes perfect for little hands to hold and use.

More later, very tired and off to make some dinner. 

The ABC's of International Adoption - Part Two

Here goes for a few more letters: 
Source: Concise Oxford English Dictionary

flail around/about (pg. 539) - flounder or struggle
I was flailing in this process until Friday morning.  I was beginning to feel a bit like a fish out of water!

guarded (pg. 632) - cautious and having possible reservations
I now have some very guarded optimism.

I am off to a meeting but wanted to throw those two words up!  Enjoy the rest of the weekend.